Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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