Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
