My cat gives me a boner
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
