Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
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It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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