you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
