mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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