Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
