is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
