Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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