I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
