you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Drunk is not a location!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
