Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Randomize
