grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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