I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am available for nakedness
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
