why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
