sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
