My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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