if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
