Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
