dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
