wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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