Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
