He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
