I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
