Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She bit a glass in half.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
