threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
