marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
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Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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