Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize