They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
