Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
