Can i not drive my cunt home
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
