we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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