Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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