I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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