Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
