dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
