I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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