i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
A+ Viking dick
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
