6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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