I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy