And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.