Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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