i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
