Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
