Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
