Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
