My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
