I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
