that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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