if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
