I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
