His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
