If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
