Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
