can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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