Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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