she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
