just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just want to make out with him forever
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
