go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
